Cruising

At the moment things are cruising along.  Emotionally I’m back and forth.  Thank God for St. Johns Wort, however, if I don’t get a handle on things I may ask the doctor for something more potent.  I pray it doesn’t come to that. 

I’d like to know why it is that people don’t do the things I think they should do.  When faced with life changing situations, at first they seem to be ready to do exactly what is needed to fix things and I am comforted by their efforts.  Then out of nowhere they turn tail and run!  It’s like all they said they would do was somehow just dreamed up by me. 

Guess I’m a little disenchanted with the human race right now. 

Overwhelmed

So much going on.  Too much to try to speak of. 

I did, however, recieve a phone call from my sister, Judy, the other night.  She and I have had a very strained relationship at best over the years.  But I’ve been praying for my family so I can only believe that God has heard and is answering. 

We had a nice conversation at first, laughing, catching up.  But then it got serious.  She brought up our childhood.  For the first time she apologized to me for not having protected me from our father.  That was a big step for her even though apologies were not necessary by any means.  She was only a child herself and she had no clue what was happening to me so there was no way she could have done anything.  Even if she did know, she was still not my protector and should never believe she should have been.  She does seem to have a need to make me believe and admit that my memories of what happened to me were false.  She kept saying, “I’m sorry but those things you remembered, never happened.  It was all because of that book you read.”  Reference to a book Mom gave me when I was in my 20’s called “When Rabbit Howls.”  I had not even read the book yet when I began to have flashes of some things that happened.  I have always conciously remembered certain details of my abuse but began to have flashbacks of other things at the time the book was given to me.  So, suddenly, every memory I had was a false one based on Oprah Winfrey’s big revelation of false memories at the time, etc. 

Thing is, I know what happened to me.  I’ve had counseling…..tons of it….over the years.  Whether anyone believes me or not is irrelevant.  It happened, it doesn’t rule my life anymore.  Why is it so important to her that my experience be less than what it was?  Unless she can’t wrap her mind around the fact that it may have been the same or even more than her own in which case, her guilt of not protecting me is therefore worsened.  I suppose that makes sense. 

Maybe the two of us can heal together now.