Cruising

At the moment things are cruising along.  Emotionally I’m back and forth.  Thank God for St. Johns Wort, however, if I don’t get a handle on things I may ask the doctor for something more potent.  I pray it doesn’t come to that. 

I’d like to know why it is that people don’t do the things I think they should do.  When faced with life changing situations, at first they seem to be ready to do exactly what is needed to fix things and I am comforted by their efforts.  Then out of nowhere they turn tail and run!  It’s like all they said they would do was somehow just dreamed up by me. 

Guess I’m a little disenchanted with the human race right now. 

Overwhelmed

So much going on.  Too much to try to speak of. 

I did, however, recieve a phone call from my sister, Judy, the other night.  She and I have had a very strained relationship at best over the years.  But I’ve been praying for my family so I can only believe that God has heard and is answering. 

We had a nice conversation at first, laughing, catching up.  But then it got serious.  She brought up our childhood.  For the first time she apologized to me for not having protected me from our father.  That was a big step for her even though apologies were not necessary by any means.  She was only a child herself and she had no clue what was happening to me so there was no way she could have done anything.  Even if she did know, she was still not my protector and should never believe she should have been.  She does seem to have a need to make me believe and admit that my memories of what happened to me were false.  She kept saying, “I’m sorry but those things you remembered, never happened.  It was all because of that book you read.”  Reference to a book Mom gave me when I was in my 20’s called “When Rabbit Howls.”  I had not even read the book yet when I began to have flashes of some things that happened.  I have always conciously remembered certain details of my abuse but began to have flashbacks of other things at the time the book was given to me.  So, suddenly, every memory I had was a false one based on Oprah Winfrey’s big revelation of false memories at the time, etc. 

Thing is, I know what happened to me.  I’ve had counseling…..tons of it….over the years.  Whether anyone believes me or not is irrelevant.  It happened, it doesn’t rule my life anymore.  Why is it so important to her that my experience be less than what it was?  Unless she can’t wrap her mind around the fact that it may have been the same or even more than her own in which case, her guilt of not protecting me is therefore worsened.  I suppose that makes sense. 

Maybe the two of us can heal together now.   

Venting about things

I find myself quite disturbed this morning.  Simon has in school suspension for the next three days because he was shouting cuss words during the pep-rally yesterday.  I’ve very upset with him over this and Paul and I have both taken action here at home and agree with the ISS.  However, what is to be done about the teacher? 

One of Simons teachers is a woman who could make me go redneck if push came to shove and I’ve a feeling it’s about to.  In discussing the issues of Simons cussing at school yesterday, Paul and I learned some interesting goings-on.  Simon has told me that this particular teacher mocks him in class.  The only incident he could remember in detail was as she was writing the assignments he had missed that day on the board in front of the class she turned to Simon with a smart tone to her voice and asked, “any others Simon?”  When he said no, she replied, “didn’t you have money?”  Referring to the punishment I have enforced where he gets $10 at the beginning of the week and then for each assignment missed he pays me back $1.  Uncalled for on it’s best day. 

Simon had told me she has been mocking him all school year.

There have been some boys in his class as well who have tormented Simon all school year saying he’s gay to his face and behind his back and making jokes about him.  Where do you draw the line?  If a teacher doesn’t hear it, it’s ones word against another.  However, the teacher has heard it.  What was her response?  She looked at the boys and said, “Be nice.”  So, my question is this…would it be ok for me to go to this teacher and tell her she’s gay and proceed to make fun of her in front of her students?  Would I only be asked to be nice?  Or would I be thrown off the premises and threatened with arrest?  If “be nice” is good enough to control the bullies, shouldn’t it be enough to control me? 

It’s no wonder I grew up with issues! I was bullied all through my school years and I knew that there was nothing I could do but take it.  And now our schools put up this big front about not tolerating bullying of any kind and yet, they still do.  I grew up knowing that nothing I could ever say or do would make a difference.  I don’t want Simon to feel that way.  It’s a hopeless feeling and, if I may be so bold, is this not one of the breakdowns in our society? 

This could be a long one

Where do I start?  So much going on. 

First of all, more and more, it seems we will have to close our store.  We aren’t making enough to pay rent.  We’d be fine if we didn’t have rent and so that is why Paul is considering moving the venue to our home…after he has the garage repaired.  I am not in love with this idea as parking could be a bear, we’re not zoned for anything like this, and I can’t see the neighbors enjoying the noise it could bring.  But Paul always has a way of doing things and having them work out even in the face of my fears.  So I am quietly praying it doesn’t come to that and that we are able to get on our feet and remain where we are. 

Nick, my delayed entry Marine, is working hard to not be a Marine.  He doesn’t understand the commitment he’s made completely.  He’s been so good about not doing any drugs, not drinking, and keeping his nose clean in that way.  However, though he looks like an athletic type, he can’t keep up in training.  He’s struggling physically.  Just as he heard rumors that the recruiting office was betting against him making it to ship-out date, he conveniently has a knee issue.  It’s tendonitis but according to Nick, he most likely will have to have surgery and be kicked out of the Marines.  According to the doctors, he most likely will have to just be on crutches for a couple weeks and then be fine.  I believe Nick is trying to find an out to his contract without anyone being able to say it was him giving up.  If he would just work out more than that one time a week at the recruiting office he’d be up to speed.  I have a treadmill, 10 lbs dumbells, and lots of space for him to work out.  He refuses to use the treadmill longer than 3 minutes at a time because it makes him feel dizzy when he gets off.  He refuses to use the dumbells because they aren’t heavy enough to do any good!  The boy is stubborn as they come and blames everything and everyone else for his lack of doing what must be done!  He came home from school on Monday starving because he hadn’t eaten anything at school.  I asked him why and it was the schools fault, mixed with his crutches.  You see, he can’t carry his lunch tray and he can’t have someone else go get his lunch for him because he’ll get in trouble if someone else uses his lunch ticket!  So, he can’t go through the line with a friend?  He had a project due on Monday that would make up half his grade for the six weeks.  He simply didn’t do it because he can’t carry his stuff around while he’s on crutches and the teacher doesn’t care.  Was he on crutches when it was assigned a couple weeks ago?  No! 

Then there is Simon.  God I have no idea what to do but I’m smart enough to know that something has to be done.  He scored in the way above averages on his TCAP tests last year and every year.  So why is he failing?  Because he has no concept of organization, working on homework during the time the teachers give in class, writing down assignments in his agenda, or even asserting himself enough to be able to reach his locker while the kid in the locker above him is in the way!  He’s got three teachers this year and only one of them recognizes that he’s brilliant but needs some kind of help.  The others just role their eyes and insist he just doesn’t do the work for no reason other than….maybe he’s ADD and we should have him tested.  So how do we test for that?  Well, we spend the co-pay at the doctors office to have the doctor give questionaires to be passed out among Simons teachers so together, they can all answer these questions on the assumption that Simon is already ADD and so they are literally the ones who determine if he’s got a problem or not.  I dont’ think so! 

Meanwhile, the one good teacher he has is well aware of Simons genious and mentioned that if ever there was a child who is gifted, it’s Simon, but they can’t put him in Spectrum because he coudln’t handle the speed of the class because he’s so slow and methodical and unorganized! 

Is there any help for this child out there?  He’s had TV, Computer, trading card games, video games, socializing with friends, and MP3 player, all taken from him until we see a significant improvement.  He’s getting $10 a week allowance and has to pay me back $1 for every missed assignment.  Basically, he’s giving his entire allowance back to me at the end of the week.  He seems to have no motivation to change or maybe it’s not a motivation problem.  Maybe its an ability problem.  I’ve tutored him over and over again on what to do, how to take notes, how to be organized.  Nothing helps because he always goes back to his old ways which is no way and then tells me he found a better way! 

I think I’ll get a meeting with the assistant principle at his school and see if she can help keep Simon from falling through the cracks.  His grades last year were so bad but they pushed him through to sixth grade this year because of his TCAP scores. I’ve no doubt they will just continue to push him through and never teach him how to preform as a student should. 

I’m so sick of dealing with this!

And so, I am painfully aware now of what exactly God was talking about when He said He’d always be there.  I may be sick of dealing with all this but I have hope because my God can handle anything.  I can’t imagine not knowing Him and not having any kind of hope that all this will work out according to what is best for all of us.  How do people live that way? 

Yea

So, I decided to create a myspace account.  www.myspace.com/barbchan 

I did this because it will be easier to keep up with my boys.  Besides, everyone seems to have one these days and I wondered what the big deal was.  I’m not sure I like it yet but it was fun setting it up.  Ok, so it wasn’t fun.  It was work.  Hard work!  I was so frustrated with it that I was about to say forget the whole thing.  But then, I’m here working the shop by myself today as Paul is demo-ing UFS at Dragon-Con in Atlanta today.  So, I asked one of the kids to help me out and before I knew it, 7 of them were helping me!  And then they all were asking me to add them to my friends.  I had to get Nick to do the page layout for me and he went the extra mile to add music for me.  Gotta say, I’m impressed.  Maybe myspace will be fun afterall. 

A little green

I’m working the store tonight and Paul has the evening off.  He stopped by so I could go get something for dinner.  I wasn’t terribly hungry at the time but Captain D’s sounded good.  I’ve not had good, greasy, fish in a while and figured I deserved it.   I sure wish I had headed for Subway instead.  I feel really green right now.  I’m hoping I can make it the next few hours until closing.  Tomorrow it’s Pauls turn to run the store so I have the entire day to recoup. 

Wild hairs

We moved into this house 6 years ago this month. (I think…..close enough for government work.)  When we moved in, the dining room had this god aweful apple wall paper up to the god awful chair rail which was obviously slapped up with paint thrown on it so hopefully potential buyers would like it.  The floor is covered in some horrendous office style carpet that I’ve given up trying to shampoo.  It’s filthy. 

A couple years ago we decided to get rid of the wall paper and chair rails and paint.  However, taking off the chair rails left us with the top coat of drywall ripped off in places.  My brother in law who has done drywall all his life wouldn’t hear of helping us fix it even though he lived with us, rent free, for a year!  He told us how to fix it and it made me so intimidated that I was afraid I’d really screw it up if I tried.  We bought the Kilz, paint brush, etc, back when we took the wallpaper down but we never did anything with it.  Until today.

Nick asked me the other day when we were going to fix the walls and I just looked at him like he was crazy.  Guess I’ve looked at the horrid mess so long that I just didn’t see it anymore.  But today I got a wild hair and decided to try to repair one section.  That went pretty well.  So I figured it would be a shame to have to clean the paint brush after doing such a small portion and another section of the wall was repaired.  This went on until I had made my way all the way around the room!  In the next day or so I will go back over it with another coat and then I’ll be buying some paint.  It’s not a perfect job but I hear faux finishes can hide a multitude of sins. 

I’m tired. 

Possibilities

Paul just told me today of a possible job offer.  It would be double his salary now but it would require a lot of travel.  I’m really proud of him for being the smart and talented man that he is.  He is amazing really.  Since he began at his current job he’s completely made himself indisposable.  The place can’t seem to run without him.  He’s taken his job description which started as basically the fix it guy when it comes to computers, and single handedly turned it into so much more.  But, unfortunately, he is not paid the amount that anyone else in the same type position would.  No, it’s way less.  But it has been a secure position so the thought of taking on a new position is pretty frightening.  Not to mention the fact that it would leave me as the one person running The Game Plan.  Yikes seems so light a word to describe that feeling. 

We sure could use some prayer.  I know that whatever happens, we are blessed and God will provide all we need.  Ok, so I know it in my head but I might not be having the same knowing in my heart right now. 

Getting healthy

I have decided to get back in the swing of things and lose weight and get strong!  What a blast!  I joined sparkpeople.com and it’s amazing!  Just over two weeks and I’ve lost 4 lbs!  I am exercising 5 days a week and instead of feeling awful after working out I feel like I’ve got electricity running through my veins!  I feel powerful! 

I put the link to my sparkpeople page on my blogroll in case anyone is interested.  I highly recommend it! 

My son

I’m just really proud of him although he would never know it.  Reason?  He would never hear of it.  I have bent over backward to let him know how much I love him, how proud I am of him, and how much he means to me.  He continually fights back against it.  As long as I let him do whatever he wants he’s fine but the minute I tell him no about anything he starts demanding to know why I won’t let him.  Then it turns into some big argument.  I’m so tired of it I quit arguing but I am standing my ground.  I simply quit talking which really put him off balance. 

He’s a smart, funny, wonderful kid, who is graduating next may and driving me nuts!