Old Memories

With the onset of the new man that was my first husband I find myself in a quandry of strange emotions.  I went to pick up our son Saturday evening and I ended up sitting in the mans livingroom floor digging through tons of photographs from when we were married.  Somehow in the divorce he ended up with most of the pictures and then through the years I never had the money to buy the boys school pictures.  My ex was wanting me to look through them and pick out the ones I wanted. 

I now have tons of pics of my boys from when they were little.  God how I missed those!  God how I miss holding my little boys and rocking them to sleep.  How I miss playing with them.  I have so many regrets.  I have a ton of anger still.  I have a whole lot to work through. 

Ebay

I’ve discovered the fun world of ebay!  Paul wants me to do all the ebay stuff for our store.  Basically, listing and selling cards.  It’s a bit too time consuming for him.  So, I started looking around and liked what I was seeing.  I bought a homeschool curriculum that someone had put together for her kindergartner.  What fun!  I only paid like $5.50 total!  So, I have been looking at rings too.  Well, I just won a bid for a beautiful silver ring with a huge blue stone!  I don’t care if it’s not a real stone.  As long as it’s sterling silver!  And it’s pretty.  And I got it for $14.50!  This is too much fun!  I’ll have to be careful not to overspend! 

Forgiveness

My ex husband spent the last week on a respirator.  He had pneumonia and had become septic.  Visiting times in CCU are never very long but I felt it was necessary to be there as much as possible.  Where everyone that went to see him either stood there quietly or patted his arm and bid him tearful and quick get wells, I held his hand, talked to him, worked with him on squeezing my hand, tried to get responses, etc.  There were tiny movements from him and even though he couldn’t open his eyes most of the time I could tell if he was smiling or frowning by the tension in his brow. 

We all though he was not going to make it.  Our oldest son flew in from California and it was agreed that after speaking with the doctor, he would tell them to take his father off life support.  Our boys watched their grandfather on life support and had discussed it with their father who adamantly said he did not ever want to be on a ventilator. 

I prayed that God would do something before our son had to make the decision because it was killing him to try to come to peace with it.  Personally, because I didn’t think there was a chance for him to live, I prayed that God would take him home.  I believe my ex was saved not long before his wife passed away and his life here on this earth has been a hard one.  Well, God had different plans.  The next morning I met with our sons who were both feeling better about their decision and had agreed, no guilt.  They had not been able to speak with the doctor yet so they decided after some errands, they’d talk to him later that afternoon. 

During the day the doctor came in and made the decision to take the ventilator off and see if he could breath on his own.  Up to that point we had been told there was no change in the mans lungs whatsoever….this, after being on the ventilator for 5 days! 

Miraculously, he was able to breath on his own and was immediately writing notes and questions on a pad of paper.  Only three days later, he was sent home.  The day after he was sent home he spent the day driving around town!  Only Gods healing hand could have done that! 

Meanwhile, this has opened a dialog of healing between us.  He apologized to me for being controling when we were married.  He said the song, “Stupid Boy,” is exactly what was going on when we were together and he was so fearful that I would find there was more to life than him so he tried to keep me under his thumb so the world couldn’t take me away. 

We have a ton more to talk about.  There are deep hurts that need to be dealt with beginning with our 17 year old son.  The boy has been horrific to me through all of this, not recognizing that I didn’t have to do all that I did to help him and his father through this ordeal.  He is fiercely loyal to his father and every word I say or move I make is stupid.  He won’t tell me he loves me or come to me for a hug.  I hug him, I tell him I love him, and he only responds with a one armed hug and silence.  The child hates me. 

Reason being, his entire life, since the divorce when he was 4, he has been taught that Momma is an idiot.  He’d call his father and tattle on me whenever I tried to make him follow my rules and his father would tell him he was sorry I had to be that way and that he would just have to try to get along with me until it was time to come home.  I tried to get him psycological help for his binging and purging when he was 11.  The psychologist wasn’t able to help through the hold his father had on him.  The only answers the psychologist would get was, “Me and Dad don’t understand why Mom is making me come here.” and “I can’t believe she thinks I’m putting my finger down my throat!” 

So I now have a son who has not one bit of respect for me whatsoever.  He doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t care about me.  He doesn’t respect me.  And I am not sure I can deal with this.  I tried to deny it and tried to make excuses for it.  I can’t do that anymore. 

Decision has been made

I went ahead and contacted some ladies who have either never been to the 12 Step group or who have visited but left the group for one reason or another, and invited them to join me in a new group.  I made myself rather ill with my fears and thoughts of “Oh, my God what am I doing?” and “I’m really going to make some people mad!” But I know it was really just me trying to talk myself out of moving ahead with something I believe I am supposed to be doing.  I do like the safe zone you know. 

So far I’ve gotten positive feedback from three of the ladies but none have said they would definately come.  I know that I have nothing to worry about if this is truly what God is leading me to do.  He’s faithful and will He will bring the ladies who need to be here. 

What to do, what to do

I’m a little sad this morning.  So much has changed in my life recently.  Not bad things necessarily.  More like, things taking on a different direction.  With the store opening, trying to find a new church, finding that my views aren’t jiving with the norm anymore.  It’s unsettling to say the least. 

I just learned this past week that the 12 Step group is going to take an 8 week hiatus.  I was told it was because the leaders were burned out and needed a break.  So I offered to give the women the opportunity to continue to meet with me leading until the hiatus was over.  I don’t think it’s a good idea to just set everyone out of a group that they are used to coming to on a weekly basis for 8 weeks.  I tried to voice my opinion but it hit a wall and fell to the ground.  And now, the reason for the hiatus has changed from “we need a break” to “it’s better for the women because they will have to learn to reach out in other ways and they won’t be so dependent on us.”  This is all so backwards to me that I can hardly stand it.

I have thought about it, prayed about it, and I keep coming up with the same answer.  It’s time for me to branch out on my own.  I’ve always been afraid to step out there and take on the ministry that I know I’m supposed to be in.  Instead I have waited in the wings.  And it’s been made very clear to me that I am not to be in ministry with this particular church.  I can literally look back and see the footprints of failed attempts on my part.  The first group I was in that was in need of an apprentice for instance.  I inquired about apprenticing and was promptly talked out of it by the leader.  She went on and on about how as a leader I would be held to a higher standard and judged more harshly by God and that I should seriously reconsider.  Next thing I know she’s asked her sister-in-law to apprentice. 

Another group asked me to apprentice and then within months, the leaders decided to quit leading and the very idea of having me take over that group was never even mentioned. 

With this 12 Step group, I was asked to apprentice, I accepted, and then the powers that be over all small groups in the church decided I had to wait.  It hurt my feelings but I waited and accepted the fact that the church was being careful.  By this time I had been through some heavy stuff involving some others in the church and I spoke out against what was going on.  My reputation preceeded me it seems. 

I’ve poured my heart and soul into this group.  I’ve written weekly and bi-weekly devotions for this group.  I’ve kept up with the contact list, welcomed every new member with cards, been faithful to be there on time, every single week.  And when it comes down to the leadership needing a break, not one mention of me leading for this particular 8 weeks has been mentioned.  I was not even included in the decision!  I was just told about it and when I offered to take over, it was generally dismissed. 

I feel very hurt, betrayed even.  But I know that there is nothing I can do or say to change things.  Whenever I’ve tried to voice a concern it’s been dismissed.  But if someone else voiced a concern about me it was quickly brought to my attention that somehow I had failed and that I should take it as a lesson in not being so overly sensitive!  Yes, I’m angry.  I need to deal with that anger.  But I know that it’s not going to be dealt with by confronting or even trying to speak to these people in love.  Trying to do that in this situation would only leave me feeling more beaten up. 

So, God willing, I’m going to branch out on my own.  I don’t know where the ladies will come from but I believe it’s time and God will provide.  I strongly believe that this is what I am supposed to be doing. 

I swear

I didn’t swear, but my son did!  Nick swore in to the Marines yesterday! 

Apparently I’m not going to be able to post the video here so I will have to give the link. 

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7309467019254738145

Hopefully you can see the video from there. 

Rosie has left the building!

And I say….Good riddance to bad rubbish! 

I am normally not a mean person but I have just had all I can stand of Rosie ODonnell on The View.  She has constantly ridiculed what she calls, “Militant Christians” and then been nothing less than a “Militant Liberal!”  I was grateful to hear that she has left The View early but not suprised that she seemingly has no apology to make for making Barbara Walters a laughing stock for having hired her for the show in the first place!  I don’t mind political debate but over and over again this woman has turned political into personal. 

Good bye, fairwell, hope to not see you on TV again Rosie! 

Memorial Day

I never understood the reason for Memorial Day.  In my self centered world I new it had something to do with remembering those who risk their lives and/or died so that we could enjoy living in a free nation.  But, I never really new a military person and why do we have cookouts for such a somber occassion anyway? 

Well, this year is certainly an eye opener for me.  I have my uncle who is a Veteran and I’ve been so blessed to get to know him.  He’s probably the kindest man anyone would ever meet.  And to make it more special, my 17 year old son has just been accepted in the delayed entry program with the Marines.  Personally, I’d like for my son to never have to go to war but this is his dream and I’m so glad it’s coming true for him. 

This Memorial Day I think will be spent holding my loved ones close and thanking God for those who are willing to fight, give all they have, and think of others more than themselves, so that the rest of us can live in the rich blessings we have been given. 

God bless our heroes, past, present, and future. 

Pet Peeves

I just recieved a call.  It was a man saying, “uh, yes, somone tried to call me from this number?  I just checked my caller ID and got your number.  Did anyone try to call me?” 

I explained that I must have dialed the wrong number earlier today and apologized.

My pet peeve….

Do people really think they are so very much important that they cannot stand missing  a call from someone they don’t know and so they simply must call the number back to see who it was?  If I was indeed trying to contact this person does he not think I have the capability of calling him back myself?  Do I really need his help? 

And that is my pet peeve! 

Honest venting

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I had a sinus infection first.  Once I was over that I developed a UTI.  Finally gave up my “natural” remedies and went to the doctor a week and a half later.  The infection was quite severe by this time.  So, I go on antiobiotics for that, finally feeling better, when boom!  My neck goes out!  AGAIN!  I had to wear a neck brace to work on Saturday morning but as it turns out, the assistant manager has a healing talent with massage and I felt much better after she massaged my neck.  However, I wake every morning with a horrible pain that runs from the back of my shoulder blade, through the top of my shoulder and then down my left arm.  Dh bought me a massage table for Christmas as his friend, the chiropractor, had said he wouldn’t mind coming to adjust me if we had a proper table.  Needless to say, this friend has not once come to adjust me, nor will he even consider it.  If I want to be adjusted I must go to the other side of Nashville and I aint risking my life to drive in Nashville! 

So, on top of the constant pain I’ve been in for the past month, I’m finding myself to be quite the cranky monster!  I work my buns off to try to keep the house, keep the yard, take care of the children, the husband, and no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.  Everyone is up in arms because the cat is having some issues and it seems she may have pee’d in the living room and no one can stand the smell and I can’t smell the smell and I’m getting the brunt of everyone making comments about the smell! 

I’m sick and tired of feeling like the janitor in a business that I’m also busting my butt for but have no clue what it’s all about!  I try to learn and get met with a general unwillingness to teach me because it’s easier to do something yourself rather than teach someone how to do it.  Therefore cleaning toilets, making coffee, and running a cash register is my eternal lot in life! 

I’ve also had about as much as I can take of Rosey O’Donnell and her rediculous views on The View!  No one is allowed to disagree with her “gospel” truth without paying the high cost of her quick wit and ability to chop someone off at the knees with her swift, sharp, tongue.  Elizabeth, who proves to be the only one on the show with half a brain and half a clue as to what is happening in the world, constantly gets treated as the fly that keeps landing on big Rosey’s nose.  Every word she says is shewed away like she’s just a neusance!  Rosey said, point blank that our troops in Iraq are the terrorists but she now denies it and everyone loves her and understands that what she says is gospel!  I personally think Rosey is on Bin Ladens payroll to help us evil Americans be more tolerant of jihadists so they can infiltrate us and kill us one by one!  Rosey should move her family to Iraq and see first hand what our troops are dealing with and maybe then she might have some kind of small clue.  But of course, she has much work to do here in the states as the worlds most beloved lesbian who fights for the rights of those who would love nothing more than to kill all Jews, Christians, and Americans!  Thank God she is leaving The View and God willing, she will leave the world of Television altogether! 

Can you tell I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with everything?