These past 7 or 8 months have been pretty hard.  Some things happened that were never supposed to happen to anyone, anywhere, but they did.  I would not ever have wished this to happen to even my worst enemy but I have to say, God showed His true colors through it all.  His word says that what is meant to destroy us is used for the good of those who love Him.  Well, something like that anyway.  And I’ve seen so much blessing come out of so much turmoil.  I wish I could explain it all here but I can’t.  The worst is past and the good stuff is coming around the corner. 

The 12 Step group is growing.  The group I left to begin this new one has been sending me the people they’ve had to turn away.  A couple of them have remained.  And now that the old group has all graduated their steps, some of those ladies will be joining the new group so they will still have a support group.  A couple ladies came a few weeks ago and they’d seen the group online by doing a search for 12 step groups.  I thought it was pretty cool that they found us that way.  Anyway, there’s not been one meeting when it wasn’t clear that the only people who showed were the ones God wanted to be there.  Hoaky as that may sound, I  believe it.  Sometimes only one person would show and that one person just really needed to have some one on one time to talk and get some things out.  Sometimes only two would show and those two seemed to connect in a way that they might not have if more people were here.  Sometimes it’s only been a few brand new ladies and it was good to be able to explain the program to them without alienating the older members.  So, yes, it’s been a God event every time.  And I know this is where I’m supposed to be.  I never dread it.  I never wish I didn’t have to be here.  And I always leave knowing it wasn’t about me and how well I led the group.  I just show up to unlock the door and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. 

Homeschooling became a family affair during the last couple months of school.  I have been homeschooling Arimi and she has learned so quickly.  Math and reading are pretty easy for her and she loves our bi-weekly trip to the library.  Simon was struggling in public school though.  He’s had a hard time since we put him back in ps in the third grade but he stuck to it and kept trying.  This year proved to be the breaking point though.  Simon is extremely intelligent and his TCAP scores each year have been through the roof.  Literally, he scores almost off the page in every subject.  But he has been failing.  He is not able to organize his work so getting homework turned in was like pulling teeth.   His classmates were bullying him and his teachers were rolling their eyes and declaring that he just wasn’t doing his work.  I know he was doing the work because he was sitting at the dining room table for hours after school every day working!  When the bullying finally turned into outright physical attacks on Simon where the principle was neglecting to issue proper punishments because Simon made the mistake of using words to stand up for himself, we decided it was time to bring him home.  And wouldn’t you know it but Simon has been flourishing ever since. 

Adventures seem to be on the horizon around here too as I am leaning towards what I think may be a calling to get a bachelors degree in biblical studies.  At the moment I’m not sure exactly how to go about this but I believe I must do it.  At the moment I’ve decided to go with an online bible college that is free to audit courses and charges $20 per course if it’s for credit.   Where Gods leading will go from there, I’m not sure.  I do know that I have recently encountered many people who have been burned by the church and have turned to paganism or atheism.  That’s not ok with me.  Jesus met people where they were and just the way they were.  He loved them and he gently led them to the truth.  He didn’t hit them over the head with a bible and tell them they were going to hell.  I believe whatever ministry I’m called to, it will partly be to show others that Christianity is not snobby and it’s not full of hate.  It’s love in the truest form. 

So, that’s all for now.  I can’ t see too well anymore after staring at this bright white screen for so long.  Thank God I can type well. 

I’d like to know why it is that people don’t do the things I think they should do.  When faced with life changing situations, at first they seem to be ready to do exactly what is needed to fix things and I am comforted by their efforts.  Then out of nowhere they turn tail and run!  It’s like all they said they would do was somehow just dreamed up by me. 

Guess I’m a little disenchanted with the human race right now. 

I did, however, recieve a phone call from my sister, Judy, the other night.  She and I have had a very strained relationship at best over the years.  But I’ve been praying for my family so I can only believe that God has heard and is answering. 

We had a nice conversation at first, laughing, catching up.  But then it got serious.  She brought up our childhood.  For the first time she apologized to me for not having protected me from our father.  That was a big step for her even though apologies were not necessary by any means.  She was only a child herself and she had no clue what was happening to me so there was no way she could have done anything.  Even if she did know, she was still not my protector and should never believe she should have been.  She does seem to have a need to make me believe and admit that my memories of what happened to me were false.  She kept saying, “I’m sorry but those things you remembered, never happened.  It was all because of that book you read.”  Reference to a book Mom gave me when I was in my 20′s called “When Rabbit Howls.”  I had not even read the book yet when I began to have flashes of some things that happened.  I have always conciously remembered certain details of my abuse but began to have flashbacks of other things at the time the book was given to me.  So, suddenly, every memory I had was a false one based on Oprah Winfrey’s big revelation of false memories at the time, etc. 

Thing is, I know what happened to me.  I’ve had counseling…..tons of it….over the years.  Whether anyone believes me or not is irrelevant.  It happened, it doesn’t rule my life anymore.  Why is it so important to her that my experience be less than what it was?  Unless she can’t wrap her mind around the fact that it may have been the same or even more than her own in which case, her guilt of not protecting me is therefore worsened.  I suppose that makes sense. 

Maybe the two of us can heal together now.   

One of Simons teachers is a woman who could make me go redneck if push came to shove and I’ve a feeling it’s about to.  In discussing the issues of Simons cussing at school yesterday, Paul and I learned some interesting goings-on.  Simon has told me that this particular teacher mocks him in class.  The only incident he could remember in detail was as she was writing the assignments he had missed that day on the board in front of the class she turned to Simon with a smart tone to her voice and asked, “any others Simon?”  When he said no, she replied, “didn’t you have money?”  Referring to the punishment I have enforced where he gets $10 at the beginning of the week and then for each assignment missed he pays me back $1.  Uncalled for on it’s best day. 

Simon had told me she has been mocking him all school year.

There have been some boys in his class as well who have tormented Simon all school year saying he’s gay to his face and behind his back and making jokes about him.  Where do you draw the line?  If a teacher doesn’t hear it, it’s ones word against another.  However, the teacher has heard it.  What was her response?  She looked at the boys and said, “Be nice.”  So, my question is this…would it be ok for me to go to this teacher and tell her she’s gay and proceed to make fun of her in front of her students?  Would I only be asked to be nice?  Or would I be thrown off the premises and threatened with arrest?  If “be nice” is good enough to control the bullies, shouldn’t it be enough to control me? 

It’s no wonder I grew up with issues! I was bullied all through my school years and I knew that there was nothing I could do but take it.  And now our schools put up this big front about not tolerating bullying of any kind and yet, they still do.  I grew up knowing that nothing I could ever say or do would make a difference.  I don’t want Simon to feel that way.  It’s a hopeless feeling and, if I may be so bold, is this not one of the breakdowns in our society? 

First of all, more and more, it seems we will have to close our store.  We aren’t making enough to pay rent.  We’d be fine if we didn’t have rent and so that is why Paul is considering moving the venue to our home…after he has the garage repaired.  I am not in love with this idea as parking could be a bear, we’re not zoned for anything like this, and I can’t see the neighbors enjoying the noise it could bring.  But Paul always has a way of doing things and having them work out even in the face of my fears.  So I am quietly praying it doesn’t come to that and that we are able to get on our feet and remain where we are. 

Nick, my delayed entry Marine, is working hard to not be a Marine.  He doesn’t understand the commitment he’s made completely.  He’s been so good about not doing any drugs, not drinking, and keeping his nose clean in that way.  However, though he looks like an athletic type, he can’t keep up in training.  He’s struggling physically.  Just as he heard rumors that the recruiting office was betting against him making it to ship-out date, he conveniently has a knee issue.  It’s tendonitis but according to Nick, he most likely will have to have surgery and be kicked out of the Marines.  According to the doctors, he most likely will have to just be on crutches for a couple weeks and then be fine.  I believe Nick is trying to find an out to his contract without anyone being able to say it was him giving up.  If he would just work out more than that one time a week at the recruiting office he’d be up to speed.  I have a treadmill, 10 lbs dumbells, and lots of space for him to work out.  He refuses to use the treadmill longer than 3 minutes at a time because it makes him feel dizzy when he gets off.  He refuses to use the dumbells because they aren’t heavy enough to do any good!  The boy is stubborn as they come and blames everything and everyone else for his lack of doing what must be done!  He came home from school on Monday starving because he hadn’t eaten anything at school.  I asked him why and it was the schools fault, mixed with his crutches.  You see, he can’t carry his lunch tray and he can’t have someone else go get his lunch for him because he’ll get in trouble if someone else uses his lunch ticket!  So, he can’t go through the line with a friend?  He had a project due on Monday that would make up half his grade for the six weeks.  He simply didn’t do it because he can’t carry his stuff around while he’s on crutches and the teacher doesn’t care.  Was he on crutches when it was assigned a couple weeks ago?  No! 

Then there is Simon.  God I have no idea what to do but I’m smart enough to know that something has to be done.  He scored in the way above averages on his TCAP tests last year and every year.  So why is he failing?  Because he has no concept of organization, working on homework during the time the teachers give in class, writing down assignments in his agenda, or even asserting himself enough to be able to reach his locker while the kid in the locker above him is in the way!  He’s got three teachers this year and only one of them recognizes that he’s brilliant but needs some kind of help.  The others just role their eyes and insist he just doesn’t do the work for no reason other than….maybe he’s ADD and we should have him tested.  So how do we test for that?  Well, we spend the co-pay at the doctors office to have the doctor give questionaires to be passed out among Simons teachers so together, they can all answer these questions on the assumption that Simon is already ADD and so they are literally the ones who determine if he’s got a problem or not.  I dont’ think so! 

Meanwhile, the one good teacher he has is well aware of Simons genious and mentioned that if ever there was a child who is gifted, it’s Simon, but they can’t put him in Spectrum because he coudln’t handle the speed of the class because he’s so slow and methodical and unorganized! 

Is there any help for this child out there?  He’s had TV, Computer, trading card games, video games, socializing with friends, and MP3 player, all taken from him until we see a significant improvement.  He’s getting $10 a week allowance and has to pay me back $1 for every missed assignment.  Basically, he’s giving his entire allowance back to me at the end of the week.  He seems to have no motivation to change or maybe it’s not a motivation problem.  Maybe its an ability problem.  I’ve tutored him over and over again on what to do, how to take notes, how to be organized.  Nothing helps because he always goes back to his old ways which is no way and then tells me he found a better way! 

I think I’ll get a meeting with the assistant principle at his school and see if she can help keep Simon from falling through the cracks.  His grades last year were so bad but they pushed him through to sixth grade this year because of his TCAP scores. I’ve no doubt they will just continue to push him through and never teach him how to preform as a student should. 

I’m so sick of dealing with this!

And so, I am painfully aware now of what exactly God was talking about when He said He’d always be there.  I may be sick of dealing with all this but I have hope because my God can handle anything.  I can’t imagine not knowing Him and not having any kind of hope that all this will work out according to what is best for all of us.  How do people live that way? 

Two ladies showed up at the old group last night.  They were in dire need of a group but as the new layout of that group goes, they had to be turned away.  However, because my group meets at exactly the same time and night, they were redirected to us. 

Now I am sure that having this group is exactly what God has appointed. 

I’ve had the generous opportunity in the past six months to consider upon this fact.  I’ve been in a position to experience the personalities of many different people in one type of setting.  Some are bold, some are shy, some are kind, some are rude, some are self-serving, and some put everyone else first.  Some fit in, and some don’t.  Whatever their general human makeup, they are completely different individuals and yet, completely the same in that they all have the basic human needs. 

So, we all need water, food, shelter, and clothing.  Of course.  But what lies underneath is what makes us all the same.  What makes every human the same is the basic human needs of love, social acceptance, friendship, interaction, and validation.  Do we all get these?  No.

There is a Christian commandment that says we are to love the unlovely.  Clearly, not everyone is lovely.  Some people are downright annoying.  What lies beneath the unloveliness?  Are we supposed to try to take a look and find out?  If we knew the answer would it make a difference?  I’d like to think so. 

But what about those who have decided they will not comply because they shouldn’t have to be loveable to be loved?  Well, I could be wrong but my thoughts are as such…….Those who choose to buck the system and push back with annoying behavior that would make even the most patient of angels skin crawl, are acting out in pain.  They’ve not had someone reach out in friendship or love to them.  They’ve been hurt so much they are sick and tired of trying.  Often, because of this, they turn into unforgiving, mean, people. 

So what would happen if someone was brave enough to give one of these unfortunate ones a chance?  Would it be worth the while or would the extended hand be drawn back a bloody stump? 

I’ve drawn back a few bloody stumps in lifetime and they’ve been quite painful.  I’ve determined on many occasions never to extend a hand again.  Before I know it, my hand is out there again.  Why do I put myself through this kind of torture?  Because there is not one human life on this planet that is not worth reaching out to.  One man proved it years ago as he hung with outstretched hands, offering his love and friendship to a crowd of people who spat on him.  He held back nothing.  Neither should I. 

I did this because it will be easier to keep up with my boys.  Besides, everyone seems to have one these days and I wondered what the big deal was.  I’m not sure I like it yet but it was fun setting it up.  Ok, so it wasn’t fun.  It was work.  Hard work!  I was so frustrated with it that I was about to say forget the whole thing.  But then, I’m here working the shop by myself today as Paul is demo-ing UFS at Dragon-Con in Atlanta today.  So, I asked one of the kids to help me out and before I knew it, 7 of them were helping me!  And then they all were asking me to add them to my friends.  I had to get Nick to do the page layout for me and he went the extra mile to add music for me.  Gotta say, I’m impressed.  Maybe myspace will be fun afterall.