I wish I understood what is going on with me. Maybe I’m battling depression. I can pretty much pinpoint when these feelings of inadequacy began. It was a few weeks ago with the cub scouts. I’ve been the Cubmaster for the past two years. I have had a lot of training in cub scout leadership and I have a clue of what things are supposed to be like in a pack. But I’ve struggled getting my leaders on board. In this pack it seems no one is very interested in training. They do a great job but they do their own thing. I suppose that’s nothing to complain about. But I feel like I’m just one woman in the midst of all these men and I don’t belong and I don’t feel they think I belong either. I wish one of them had stepped up and volunteered and if one of them offered right now I’d gladly hand over the reigns.
So, then there is my 16 year old, Nick. A very talented, very giving and kind person, as long as I’m not involved in any way. He’s staunchly loyal to his father and will move heaven and earth to take care of his father. As far as he’s concerned, I could fall of the face of the planet and he’d forget me in a week. But of course, I’m supposed to jump at his beck and call, drive him everywhere he wants or needs to go, stop to buy him fast food if he’s hungry, and take it if he’s pissed off and cops and attitude. After all, it was my fault he got pissed off in the first place! I feel like I don’t matter to him. I can’t even tell him I love him without him acting weird and he sure won’t say it back unless he forgets who he’s talking to and it’s accidental!
Simon, who’s 11 has begun to imitate Nick in his attitude lately and so that makes it all the more frustrating.
Then I have to work on this finding a new chuch but it has to be a church my husband will approve of even though he refuses to attend church with me! What kind of sense does this make? He and I don’t agree on certain aspects of our faith and he’s been against organized religion for years, having been reared in the Catholic church. I believe in the gifts of the Spirit, he doesn’t. Well, ok, he does, but he believes they come with a cost. A very high price. So, my experience can’t possibly be real because I don’t have a horrific hardship in another area of my life. That is how he see’s it.
I would like to blame this all on hormones, menopause, full moon, whatever. But I’m not so sure. It just seems everything is falling down around me and I’m just so sad. I’ll give it a week or so before seeing a doctor. Rest assured, I will see a doctor if things don’t get better.