Remember Cinderella when she was all dirty and wearing ragged clothes? Then her fairy godmother waved her wand and in an amazing, sparkling, transformation, Cinderella’s clothes turned into the most beautiful ball gown and she was completely clean with perfect hair, perfect face, even down to the tiniest detail! Wow! When you were a little girl, did you ever dream of being a princess? Did you dance in front of your mirror or pose like a model? Did you long for that handsome prince to notice you?
Well, you’re all grown up now. Childhood dreams and fantasies have melted away into colorless swirls of nothingness. Mirrors are not for dancing or posing in front of anymore. Mirrors are more a dreaded thing now. It seems I can’t look in my mirror without sneering at myself. No matter what I am wearing or how much makeup I have on, nothing covers the filth that clings to the very depths of my soul. I’m not worth loving. I’m not beautiful. I’m not even likeable! These phrases are replayed in my mind every single time I look at myself in the mirror! And of course, to make it worse I think, “Is it any wonder I’m so screwed up?”
The truth of the matter is this…I’m not so screwed up after all. I’m not so filthy after all! My reality is that I am a product of my upbringing, the words that were spoken over me, the subtle and the not so subtle abuses done to me. Who I am now is a result of how I was treated as a child and who influenced my thinking. It isn’t my fault that I can’t get clean from all the filth of my past! No, it isn’t my fault that life happened to me the way it happened. But it is my responsibility to recognize that life did happen to me, regardless of whose fault it was and to recognize that my negative behavior patterns can be turned into positive behavior patterns. My past wasn’t meant to hold me captive but I was meant to hold my past captive! Think about that!
Certain key words came up last night that I think will help me in holding my past captive. They were recycling, reacting, and recovering.
Recycling because I find that I constantly run back to the same old destructive cycle of longing for that relationship that could have worked if only I had been a better person. (Never mind the fact that the person on the other side of that relationship was pretty messed up themselves!)
Reacting because I act the same way over and over again to the same triggers over and over again!
Recovering because I am covering the issues up over and over again by learning from them and trying to move past them.
But you see, it’s all “RE.” It’s all over and over again! It never ends. I will recycle and react until the day I learn to take the prefix off those words and just cycle and act! That day is coming!
But how do I get to that point? Number one, is the first three steps of the 12 steps. Admit I’m powerless, believe that God can restore me to sanity, and make the decision to hand it all over to Him!
Number two is to continue on with my steps because one day I will be just like Cinderella! One day all the filth of my ragged life will be completely transformed into a bright and sparkling ball gown. One day instead of sneering at myself in the mirror I’ll dance in front of that mirror again and I’ll pose again and I’ll see the same beautiful princess that God sees when He looks at me. Now…….think about that!