Forgiveness

My ex husband spent the last week on a respirator.  He had pneumonia and had become septic.  Visiting times in CCU are never very long but I felt it was necessary to be there as much as possible.  Where everyone that went to see him either stood there quietly or patted his arm and bid him tearful and quick get wells, I held his hand, talked to him, worked with him on squeezing my hand, tried to get responses, etc.  There were tiny movements from him and even though he couldn’t open his eyes most of the time I could tell if he was smiling or frowning by the tension in his brow. 

We all though he was not going to make it.  Our oldest son flew in from California and it was agreed that after speaking with the doctor, he would tell them to take his father off life support.  Our boys watched their grandfather on life support and had discussed it with their father who adamantly said he did not ever want to be on a ventilator. 

I prayed that God would do something before our son had to make the decision because it was killing him to try to come to peace with it.  Personally, because I didn’t think there was a chance for him to live, I prayed that God would take him home.  I believe my ex was saved not long before his wife passed away and his life here on this earth has been a hard one.  Well, God had different plans.  The next morning I met with our sons who were both feeling better about their decision and had agreed, no guilt.  They had not been able to speak with the doctor yet so they decided after some errands, they’d talk to him later that afternoon. 

During the day the doctor came in and made the decision to take the ventilator off and see if he could breath on his own.  Up to that point we had been told there was no change in the mans lungs whatsoever….this, after being on the ventilator for 5 days! 

Miraculously, he was able to breath on his own and was immediately writing notes and questions on a pad of paper.  Only three days later, he was sent home.  The day after he was sent home he spent the day driving around town!  Only Gods healing hand could have done that! 

Meanwhile, this has opened a dialog of healing between us.  He apologized to me for being controling when we were married.  He said the song, “Stupid Boy,” is exactly what was going on when we were together and he was so fearful that I would find there was more to life than him so he tried to keep me under his thumb so the world couldn’t take me away. 

We have a ton more to talk about.  There are deep hurts that need to be dealt with beginning with our 17 year old son.  The boy has been horrific to me through all of this, not recognizing that I didn’t have to do all that I did to help him and his father through this ordeal.  He is fiercely loyal to his father and every word I say or move I make is stupid.  He won’t tell me he loves me or come to me for a hug.  I hug him, I tell him I love him, and he only responds with a one armed hug and silence.  The child hates me. 

Reason being, his entire life, since the divorce when he was 4, he has been taught that Momma is an idiot.  He’d call his father and tattle on me whenever I tried to make him follow my rules and his father would tell him he was sorry I had to be that way and that he would just have to try to get along with me until it was time to come home.  I tried to get him psycological help for his binging and purging when he was 11.  The psychologist wasn’t able to help through the hold his father had on him.  The only answers the psychologist would get was, “Me and Dad don’t understand why Mom is making me come here.” and “I can’t believe she thinks I’m putting my finger down my throat!” 

So I now have a son who has not one bit of respect for me whatsoever.  He doesn’t love me.  He doesn’t care about me.  He doesn’t respect me.  And I am not sure I can deal with this.  I tried to deny it and tried to make excuses for it.  I can’t do that anymore. 

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3 responses to “Forgiveness

  1. Barb- I rejoice with you in the miracle that God has performed on your ex-husband. That is just wonderful news. 😎

    I’m praying for you and your 17 yoboy. All I can advise you to do is to turn him over to God, as Heather has done with Jessica (for different reasons but the result will be the same). Let God work on his heart and his mind. You just keep loving him inspite of his disdain of you.

    (((Barb)))

  2. You are right Elaine, even though I have to chime in with “easier said than done.” He’s my kid. I can’t help but love him. Thanks for your prayers. 🙂

  3. Oh, I know, believe me I know it is easier to tell you what to do than to do it myself. 😆 But sometimes we just have to begin the day w/leaving the kids, hubby, loved ones and the days concerns with God to trust Him to care for it all – no matter what He does.

    We moms will always be hurt the most by the way our kids treat us. When they are walking closely with God I believe that He’ll convict them on that sin, of not loving mom, and they’ll come to us for forgiveness and we’ll be able to wrap our arms around them and tell them we forgive and love them. 🙂

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